Batfam
by Devil Wolf Girl
Summary: A series of random oneshots (mostly inspired by prompts) centered around the Batbros and occasionally Bruce.
1. Visibly Disheveled

**Visibly Disheveled**

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own Batman**

"Where are they?" Dick asked worriedly. "We have coffee so that should have attracted Tim here already and Damian is only late if he's injured too badly to move." With each word, Dick grew more concerned. It was only Jason grabbing ahold of his arm that prevented the acrobat from pacing around the room.

"Dick it's only been three minutes. Just wait a little longer," Bruce sighed. His eldest son had always been a worrywart but this was a bit extreme for seven in the morning.

"But Bruuuucccceee! What if something happened and they're hurt?" Dick fretted.

"Calm down Dickie Bird. The coffee smell probably hasn't made it to Replacement's room yet and Demon is likely sneaking in another stray while everyone is in one place," Jason said as he patted Dick's shoulder. Dick nodded, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

"Yeah. Yeah okay. Thanks Jay," Dick shot a small smile to his brother, looking visibly calmer now. Bruce kept his expression the same but inwardly was pouting. Why did Dick calm down thanks to Jason of all people instead of him? Based on the smug look Jason gave him, he knew exactly what Bruce was thinking.

It wasn't even twenty seconds after this exchange that Damian entered the room. He was visibly disheveled, an unusual sight in itself, and was also sporting a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"I'm sorry I was late. I was doing things," Damian said calmly as he took his seat at the table. Seconds later Tim burst into the room, just as disheveled as Damian, if not more so.

"HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!" Tim yelled. It was only Dick's quick reflexes that stopped Tim from launching himself across the table at Damian. "Let me go! I'm only gonna maim him a little!" Tim yelled, struggling in Dick's hold.

"Bruce? Jason? A little help here!" Dick yelled, trying to keep ahold on Tim. Jason was too busy laughing and recording everything while Damian simply ate his breakfast calmly. Bruce sighed and went to help Dick. If Tim got lose before he had calmed down some, the resulting brawl would ruin the food. At least breakfast was rarely boring.

**I'll be honest, anything I know about batman is stuff I picked up through pinterest or fanfics. I've never read any of the comics and only watched the Batman VS Superman movie and the Justice League movie. So if anything is inaccurate personality wise, I apologize in advance.**

**I actually got the idea to do this series after seeing the Timber Headcanon. I thought it would be hilarious to read as a fic but as of yet I haven't found it written. I have a bunch of batfam pics on my phone, which is where a good portion of these ideas will come from.**

**I decided to wait a bit before posting this story until I had a few more chapters written, since the chapter is pretty short. With some of the prompts they probably will be short, though there are some that will be long. This chapter was finished on 11/25/19.**

**I hope you all enjoy this story and stick around for the chaos! Please Review, Follow, and Favorite!**


	2. Got Ham

**Got Ham**

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own Batman**

Most people would think Tim is the worst sibling when it comes to being sleep deprived. They'd be wrong. Tim, despite being in a near constant state of sleep deprivation, is actually the easiest to deal with. His sleep deprivation come in the form of fingers flying over a keyboard. Hunched over a computer screen and hyper focused on a report or new project of his. All you need to do is take away his coffee, wrap him in a warm blanket, and (in the extreme cases) play some piano or violin music. He'll conk out faster than you can say Batman. It's up to his family to make sure he gets at least three hours of sleep a night. More if they can manage it.

"But if Tim isn't the worst when it comes to being sleep deprived," you might be wondering, "then who is? Jason?"

No dear readers, it is not the Red Hood. He is the second easiest of the bunch to deal with, after Tim. When Jason is sleep deprived, he snacks. A lot. You'll find him in the kitchen, steadily working his way through a plate of sandwiches and a pack of oreos. To get him to bed is a simple process as well. A cup of jasmine tea with some honey. It will lull him into a state where you can remove him from the kitchen. Take him to the nearest bed or couch and he will do the rest.

"Well then if it isn't Jason or Tim, it has to be Damian!" you think in victory. Your victory is short lived however, as I inform you that you are incorrect once more. Damian may be one of the more vicious members of the family but that is how you know he is normal. A Damian ready to fight at a moment's notice, even if his opponent is just a spider on the wall, is a Damian that has gotten a full nights sleep. It's when Damian doesn't react to the usual teasing from Jason or Tim that you know his sleep was minimal or nonexistent. When he reaches sleep deprived levels, Damian gets clingy. It starts out small, grabbing onto your jacket or a sudden hug for no reason. The longer he goes without sleep, the clingier he gets. After a point, Damian will cling to you like an octopus. Once latched on, he will not let go until he is satisfied. Meaning until Damian has caught up on all his missing sleep. You have two choices if you are the (un)lucky person he chose. Go about your daily life with him stuck to you or sit down and resign yourself to your fate. If you're lucky, he won't be as ready to stab you once he wakes up as thanks.

The sibling nobody wanted to deal with when sleep deprived is none other than Dick Grayson himself. When Dick, who is hyper on an everyday basis, reaches sleep deprived levels his hyperness reaches all new heights. He's constantly going off topic and bouncing around the rooms. Take right now for instance. Dick was supposed to be patrolling with Jason and he was...for the most part. Except he was vibrating in place any time they stopped, and when they were on the move Dick was constantly flipping and jumping instead of running. Jason was honestly more shocked when Dick completely froze, a look of utter shock on his face. That shock quickly disappeared when Dick opened his mouth.

"Got Ham! OMG! Got Ham! Gotham! JayJay we live in a city called Got Ham!" Dick shouted excitedly. Jason winced. Everyone in gotham probably heard that.

"Go to bed!" Jason groaned. Dick's hyperness was only just beginning though and by the time Jason managed to coral Dick back to the batcave, the eldest batbro was practically bouncing off the walls. Scratch that. Dick was literally bouncing off the walls. And flipping off them.

There were no shortcuts to calming Dick down once the sleep deprivation kicked in. The only thing you could do was wait it out. His body would eventually run out of steam, causing Dick to crash wherever he was. Not the safest thing when half the time he was high in the air but that's what his brothers and Bruce were for. Dick would wake up completely back to normal, much to the relief of everyone in the manor.

It was a good thing that Dick was the one with the most stable sleep schedule. If he was sleep deprived the same amount as Tim? Well...lets just say the city of Got Ham wouldn't last very long. His family even less.

**I finished this not to long after the first one but again waited to post it until now. Though I didn't type it up for a month.**

**In the end, I got bored and decided to go ahead and post both chapters I had instead of waiting to write a few more. In my defense, I'm impulsive and figured I should post something. Besides, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did before posting. It's a new record for me.**

**Welp. Not really anything else for me to say other than I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please Review, Favorite, and Follow!**


	3. Chapter 3

**We Knew All Along**

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own Batman**

For once, there was a calm moment in the Wayne Manor. No death threats, insults, murder attempts, yelling, or any of the other usual shennagins that happen when you have all four brothers in one place. They were simply enjoying a lovely breakfast prepared by Alfred. Though that could be attributed to the fact that Dick was chowing down on his cereal, Tim was still in zombie mode as he poured himself his second cup of wake-up coffee, Jason was solving the daily crossword in Bruce's newspaper, and Damian was plotting how he would convince Bruce to let him keep the puppies he snuck in last night.

Anyway! The point is, they weren't fighting. Dick would count it as a win in his book. Of course, with this particular family, the peace couldn't last long. Dick had finished his cereal and had started on his plate of eggs and bacon. Damian was eating his omelette after finalizing his plan to keep the puppies. Tim had finished his second cup of coffee and was halfway through the third. And Jason? Jason had finished the crossword and was flipping through the newspaper in hopes of there being something halfway interesting to read. Something on the front page caught his eye. A photo of Superman. Jason skimmed it, just to see if there was anything actually newsworthy in the article. Just a bunch of blah blah saving people blah. Superman was such a goodie two shoes. Hmm. That gave Jason an idea. He picked up the pen he used for his crossword and drew some glasses on Superman's picture.

"Heh. Nerd," Jason said, putting the pen back down. That's when he noticed something. But...no. There was no way. Superman with glasses looked _exactly_ like that reporter who comes to the Wayne Galas sometimes. Clark Kent. Clark Kent is Superman and his disguise is a flimsy pair of glasses. This had to be a hallucination or something.

"Hey Dick? Tell me I'm not seeing things?"

Dick didn't even look up from his breakfast as he responded with, "Ask Tim." Jason snorted at that.

"He's useless before he's had his fourth cup of coffee. Now take a look at this," Jason said, shoving the paper in Dick's direction. Dick sighed deeply. If he didn't take the paper, Jason wouldn't leave him alone. If he did take the paper, he'd probably see some dumb tabloid model that Jason defaced with a mustache. But if it got Jason to leave him alone long enough so he could finish his food, he'd humor his brother. This time. Dick was in a good mood after all.

"Fine," Dick said, taking the paper and looking at the picture Jason pointed at. He felt his brain freeze. No way. No fucking way. "Damian. Please tell me I'm not imagining this."

"You're not seeing things," Damian replied immediately before taking another bite of his eggs.

"Come on Dami. You didn't even look," Dick whined.

"Tch."

"Just look at the paper and tell us what you see," Jason said, passing the paper to Damian. You could tell the exact moment the boy realized exactly what his brothers were talking about, because he froze. Jason wasn't even sure the kid was breathing at first.

"How did we miss that?!" Damian yelled, snapping out of his shock quickly. Dick was about to say something when another voice beat him to it.

"What'd we miss?" Tim asked. He had downed the fourth cup of coffee while they were busy having their minds blown. Now he was his normal sleep deprived state instead of zombie mode.

"This!" Damian shoved the paper at Tim. Dick hurried to calm the youngest before he brought out the knives. Alfred would not like it if they made a mess of the kitchen again.

"We are the worst detectives in the multiverse," Tim said calmly, sitting the paper on the table so he could go bang his head against the wall.

"Wouldn't we technically be the best though?" Jason asked, not moving to stop Tim in the slightest. His words had the desired effect though, as his brothers all turned their attention on him. "I mean, we did figure out his identity before anyone else. Except maybe Lois. She is dating the man after all. But still, I think we deserve some credit. Right?"

His brothers were silent. Each mulling over his words before Dick spoke up.

"All in favor of pretending we knew all along and never mention how we acquired the information, say Aye."

"Aye," his brothers said as one.

"What are you all agreeing on? It's never a good sign," Bruce said as he stepped into the dining room. Dick wordlessly passed him the paper.

"..."

"..."

"...Aye."

**This was based off of a thing I found on Pinterest and then showed to my friend. We joked around about what the Batfam would say in that situation. I literally just tweaked our text convo and added more details and BAM! A chapter is born.**

**So I've been slightly inactive lately. Don't worry. I'm perfectly fine. I've just been so absorbed in reading fics that I haven't wanted to write any. I'm really into the Maribat crossover right now and have been binge reading it for awhile now. And having like 16 new fic ideas for that crossover. I have no control. Plus I've gotten into a new YouTube channel and I've been trying to binge watch all their videos. That's really slow going but they are hilarious and I love them. They actually inspired me and my friend to make our own YouTube channel, though I don't see us being able to post for awhile since we live in different states. Anyway, If I can tear myself away from YouTube and fanfiction long enough, you might even get to read some of those new ideas. I've planned a few out but haven't gotten to the writing point yet. But hey, at least I'm still getting bursts of motivation and can give you random oneshots.**

**I'm working on a few other fics that need to be updated, but the chapters are longer than what I normally write so they are coming along slowly. But fear not! I will not abandon any of my fics! They will be updated eventually! Whenever the motivation bug bites me, like it did for this chapter.**

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I had fun writing it and I hope you all had fun reading it! Please Review, Follow, and Favorite! If you have any requests for oneshots, I'm always open to hear them!**


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